Saturday, September 30, 2006

How can I be a Femdom?

Femdom is just the shortened "Female Dominant". How do you know if you are a dominant female?
Well, I'll tell you now that every female has the potential to be a Femdom, some are very dominant and take to it like a duck to water. Some women are on the total opposite of the slider and prefer to be dominated. According to general society women are expected to be meek, submissive. It's so deeply ingrained that all little girls raised along these guidelines should turn out to be proper good girls ready to be married to a man to serve him happily ever after. [It's even custom to "give away" the bride just as if she is just a piece of furniture!] Old mysoginistic customs aside, as prejudiced as some weddings may be, behind closed doors She wears the pants!
Because women are afraid to be judged [and submissive men too] often there is a totally normal facade of traditional marriage presented to family, friends and the public at large. While in the privacy of their own homes they safely conduct training and dominating the husband.
This is actually the easier way to go about taking control and exploring your female dominant side.
Not every woman wants to publicly declare she adores dominating her husband [although some do hehe] because of the way some people will react. Close minded, rude and too nosy about business that is none of theirs.
Choose your friends carefully, and do feel free to explore the lifestyle at your own pace, at your own privacy level.

The first thing to determine is what you enjoy doing AS a dominant female. What does domination mean to you? The different kinks and fetishes that turn you on? It's something you may have fantasized about but feared to come out with, hesitant that you will be judged badly by your husband or boyfriend.
Obviously, you can't know if you will truly enjoy something until you try it. The idea is to try different things and explore further the ones that you find stimulate you the strongest.
Here, I will give you an example.
Watching/hearing a masochist [or pain slut if you please] being spanked or whipped or flogged, whatever: each *Whack* or *Whap* that I hear or see well it's like each impact on the slave is a thrill of pleasure through my body. At first I felt a little guilty about it [OMG I'm a sadist!] but I realized I only enjoy it if the submissive is really enjoying it. Naughty, naughty sick little pervert...spank him harder he LIKES it...
Oops, there goes my lechery again. I did have a point.
If it's safe and consensual then by all means don't ever feel guilty for liking something that you've been told in a million different ways by the media and the machine GOOD girls don't like those things.
Sure, and good boys must stay in a dominant macho mold.
Which doesn't always fit the man. I know that submissive males have to struggle just as much with how they are viewed and judged by others.
It's not nice, how everyone is expected to fit into the same shoes.
Be aware of how many wives and husbands, girlfriends and boyfriends get tired of living up to the hype and decide to just SWITCH shoes, thank you very much.
Let Her embrace fully Her dominant nature and tastes, and let him fulfill his submissive needs, together they are very happy.

If you are a woman reading this, feeling like yes perhaps you DO have some dominant feelings that have been repressed and that this is something you would like to explore..
This can work out wonderfully if you discover that your husband [or boyfriend] has secrectly been harboring submissive fantasies. Do you know many men have submissive desires and fantasies but are deathly afraid of telling their wives? They fear being labelled a deviant, and every other worst case scenario you can think of. In some cases, they would be right.
So then it is up to you to try as best you can to determine if your man is a closet submissive.

There are signs to look for [although everything is very general in nature since everyone on this planet is an individual] but along with observation, there are some ways to test your man directly.
Think back and try to remember if there have been times when you both explored things together and were there any times in which you called the shots? An example would be playing "tie-up" and if he was really into being tied up and seemed to really enjoy it more when he was in the bottom position that night.
In fact any scenarios that you explored as a couple can hint at his potential to develop into a full blown submissive slave.
If you are brave, there is a quick and surefire way to find out quickly how he might accept the idea of being trained as your slave. Of course I don't reccommend this if you are not yet comfortable enough expressing your dominance. This may be something for you to work up to.
What I'm speaking about is basically ambushing your man one night and explaining to him you own him tonight, tonight he is your sex slave, and tonight your in charge and that he will do everything you tell him to or else.
Really surprise him with it, he may at first react with surprise or even refuse to play along.
If nothing at all happens further, well now you know what kind of man he is. If you are not happy with this and still feel you need to let your dominant side out, you may just have to look for another man. One who leans more towards the submissiveness you require. If you can live with remaining where you are, take what happiness you can.
If he goes for it, it's time to test out different methods of domination and see wether he passes your test or not.
Obviously, if he is surprised by your sudden dominant assault, but surprised by being the most turned on that you have seen him in a long time...well you may just have scored jackpot my dear.
Not every submissive male will enjoy everything on this list of things you CAN try, but many would like at least one. It's important to judge how well he accomodates to the situations you present to him. If he takes to it like water and hardly needs to be corrected or encouraged, then he may be a closet submissive. There is the odd man who was just waiting for the right button to be pushed and will fall at your feet on his knees within minutes, swearing to a life of submission and slavery to you.
That's always nice.

The very first test as I said is to see how he reacts to you telling him your going to dominate him for the night. Does he react favourably or no?
If he is open to it, next it's time to order him to the bedroom where you will tell him to do a sexy dance for you and strip off his clothes while you watch.
Observe his reaction to this. Does he seem reluctant or eager? Even if he seems shy or reluctant always measure his sexual barometer. By barometer I mean the intensity of his erection.
If being made to dance and strip before your eyes causes his cock to remain rock hard and dripping, then it's time to take it to the next step.
See how well he obeys your ordering him to his knees to crawl to you. Then, to kiss your feet and worship whatever part of your body you would like properly worshipped. Make sure he does only what you tell him to, any extra touching or disobedience should be met with a stern "NO!" just like training a bad little puppy.

What should you do next?
Well for now think about how you would like to continue this little scenario to it's end. This will help you to understand more about your dominance and his submission. Just remember no matter what you think up, it can be anything you desire as long as it's safe and consensual.
[Did you know many kinky couples roleplay non-consensual scenes?] More on that next time.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Can a submissive man be happy?

What does it take to be a happy owned submissive man?
There seems to be a huge population of men with
submissive desires and drives who just can't find a
willing dominant female partner and they become
desperate, and unsatisfied with their sexual lives.

Some live their entire lives hiding this part of themselves. Some are happily married with children and a wife who knows nothing of that side of him, or is turned off or has no interest at all in it. This is actually quite common and a married man with submissive desires and a wife without any dominant desires at all. For him there's few places he can find an outlet to fulfill his needs. Many times his needs are just buried under the business of life.
There are many reasons for this, and I think that one of
the biggest reasons is that these men don't yet fully
understand what it is they are seeking. Often it is a
vague idea of what they hope to find, or even that they
have never learned anything past the glossy commercial veneer that now exists making things even more confusing for the beginner.

In truth when a man makes his first foray into D/s
culture he is immediatly inundated with overwhelming
commercialism first. Websites that promise hot BDSM
action, or mean ball-stomping bitches from hell [Or
whatever, you will find everything under the sun.]
offering fetish photographs, or stories, etc. but this
never leads to a happy relationship with a dominant
woman.
He is going to have to accept that there are simply not
enough real femdoms out there and available that are a
good match for his set of interests. It is like finding
a needle in a haystack, and the hay just happens to
dress itself up to look like needles!

A very good idea for someone starting out, is to first be clear on where he stands. Does he wish to explore things in complete secrecy because he is in a delicate marital situation? Does he wish to pay a pro-domme to introduce him to possibilities? Or is he seeking a balance in which he can have a happy solid marriage and yet also fulfill his submissive needs?
Or perhaps he is single and the only thing he wants is to find that woman who will own him and be his Goddess 24-7. Not many guys feel they will be able to find that perfect woman, and not many women know there are men out there who would pamper, spoil and worship them utterly.

Of course the fundamental question to ask yourself is wether you would be happy in a relationship where both partners do NOT stand on equal ground.

A little about me and the purpose of this site.

I go by the name Mistress Venus, which is a nice
commonly used name that affords me some anonymity and
privacy on the internet. I like that, I don't always want to be
easy to find.
I live in Canada, am 29 years old and have
happily been indulging my every whim since I first
discovered the world of BDSM at 18. I remember feeling
very lost before stumbling upon a good informative site.
I find good information is becoming harder and harder to
find on the internet and that a lot of hype, advertising
and claims to "insider information" clutters the search
engines, often aiming to rip-off, bilk and cheat people
of good honest sources of information for misconceptions
and often outright lies.

I make a living doing what I enjoy, and have a passion
for so I consider myself very lucky. I am not a
pro-dominatrix. To me the difference between playing a
scene as a paid domme and playing a scene with someone
you have developed a trusting and deep relationship with
is like a microwave dinner compared to a nice home
cooked meal. I plan to write on various topics on which I have
experience within the lifestyle to help others find
their way in an often confusing and complex world.

The number one message I would like women to hear is
that it's okay to be dominant. It's okay to explore any
dominant urges as long as you learn a few basics in
safety both for yourself and any partner[s]. Too many
women doubt themselves or their feelings and tell
themselves that's not feminine, or that's not how a girl
is ever supposed to behave.

You must trust me on this when I say for every female
who decides to push these feelings aside and pursue the
average good little housewife lifestyle: A hundred eager
submissive men hang their heads in dissapointment and
continue searching for that perfect dominant woman who
is confident enough in her sexuality to bravely be
herself.

A Bit About the Basics

Let's assume you are a total newbie with some curiosity
about BDSM [covers D/s and S/m, to name a few] What is
it? Let's have fun with it and say it's the exploration
of sexual deviancy. Of exploring within a safe structure
of rules and boundaries to have new experiences and
sensations that may not normally happen. You can think
of it as being more of a gourmet in tastes, which is
fine. It's fine if your happy to stick with fast-food
too.

But this blog isn't a Mcdonalds. But don't worry, there
is take-out.Anyone can have simple normal everyday sex. In fact
virgins experiencing sex for the first time are happy
that they are having it at all. Sex to some is the act
of a man penetrating a woman, and a race to the finish
line of orgasm. Then it's roll over and go to sleep time
to repeat this act the next time one's libido acts up.
This quickly becomes tiresome for many, and they find
they want something more than that.
Something different.
Something exciting.
The first thing you need to know before you dive in, is
to understand there are people who will take advantage
of your ignorance and you could end up getting into a
dangerous situation, or worse getting hurt either
emotionally or physically because of it.
No matter what fantasy/fiction stories you have read, no
matter how exciting you found them to try extremes out
in reality can't be that spontaneous. [Not to mention the reason D/s stories are written is to explore the extremes that one usually cannot in reality so never take a story as fact!]
It has to be well
thought out. I will give you an example.
Let's say that since you are new and looking to learn
more as a submissive man you research into some munches
or gatherings of like-minded people in your area and
visit one of their functions or a play party. There you
see a collared male being horribly abused by a woman
with a whip while she tells him how vile and disgusting
she thinks he is. I will tell you many a male after
viewing something like that would turn tail and run home
fearful of being coerced or forced into such a scene as
that. Others may be excited by it and want that to
happen to them just like that and recklessly dive-in
without proper preparations.
It's important to realize that nothing is likely as
spontaneous as it seems when it comes to playing like
that. There has to be groundwork laid. The dominant and
the submissive have to be a good match with each other.
What is a good match? Well, what the dominant enjoys
doing to a sub, the sub has to enjoy and want those
things done to him. If say you are submissive and a
foot-fetish freak, then a Mistress who solely does CBT
and medical scenes would not be a good match up.
Before any D/s play like that both the top and bottom
should be crystal clear on what IS allowed to happen
during the scene and what is NOT allowed to happen. The
submissive tells the Mistress his experience level and
what his limits are and wether he is comfortable pushing
those limits or not. If the Mistress finds his interests
to match hers well, then once the limits are in place
she takes total control WITHIN those boundaries.
That is the biggest lesson that I have seen go UNLEARNED
with huge consequences.
A person can claim to be a Mistress or a Master with no
clear idea on how to keep things safe for the
submissive. References are important even for this!

Discovering Dominance

Some people have asked if dominant women are born or made. I believe there are dominant women who are born AND those who are made. Some by chance, some by luck. It really can depend on circumstances in ones life and personal tastes. Every woman is born with the potential to be a dominatrix.

However, most will never explore that side of themselves because of the way they were brought up.Many feel ashamed or guilty that they should have such thoughts or fantasies of using/abusing/dominating a man. After all shouldn't a man be the one in control? The macho role? The penetrator and initiator in sexual play? That is what women are told all their lives from the start. So for many of them to follow their true desires is to "go against the norm" and step outside what they have been told they are supposed to do.I

won't lie to you, general society frowns upon any expression of sexual difference only they usually label it as sexual deviancy. Why just look at how hard the gay and lesbian movement has had to work just to be accepted as a validity and not an abberation. If you do go down this path, don't expect for it to be an easy one. Often it's not. Ever feel nervous on a first date? Well it's even more difficult if you find yourself having to tell him your tastes are not considered "normal".

I've known some women who from past bad experiences felt ashamed at what they were, because some jerk they dated found out what really turned them on and told them it was wrong to be that way.I would like to tell these women there are men out there who would cross a burning desert just to meet you. Understand it's just as difficult for a dominant female to be accepted as it is for a submissive male. [Who's past experiences may have included ridicule for not being the stereotypical "macho" take charge in bed man.]In fact some men wrestle with their submissive tendencies because just as women are told to be docile the men are told to be the boss. If it is not in your nature to be what you are TOLD all your LIFE how you are SUPPOSED to be, then it will feel at times like swimming uphill against a very strong current.

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